Satire:What’s up with this weather?

Gabriel Miller

If you couldn’t tell, the weather has been crazy! Halloween started out in the 50s and progressed to the 70s. Then it decided to get all cold and windy, with a little bit of rain added in. As a result, the temperature dropped to the 40s the next day. So why is the weather having a temperature tantrum?  

I asked some people on the street, and here is what some of them had to say. One student by the name Alessia Sallow said the weather is going through a few things. 

“I think its going through a midlife crisis. You know, like maybe it’s having a hard time at work and just wants to recognized for what they contribute to the world.”  

She explains that snowing in April and warm temperatures into early November is a way the weather shows Earth it means business and doesn’t do seasons like fall and spring anymore.  

Another student has a different idea. Oswald Myerscough thinks there are more nefarious forces at work. “The Illuminati are using the weather changes to manipulate markets to reflate the Beanie Baby market. You think they aren’t worth much now, but they used to be big bucks back in the 90’s. They had more value than our paper currency at one point!” 

He elaborated that the gold standard our currency was based on was actually just a reference to the value of Beanie Babies, explaining that this nation has been using them as a standard for currency since its founding.  

Some science and nursing faculty also offered an explanation. A spokesperson of the group determined that the World Health Organization (WHO) and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) are working together.  

They said that WHO believes much of the developed world has become so obsessed with keeping their kids healthy and staying indoors more often, which is creating more allergies than we ever knew existed. NOAA has offered to help by creating a weather machine that drives more people outdoors, forcing them to become more immune to pollen and dust allergens.  

Then it will rain cats and dogs to take care of the common pet allergies. Some severe storms with high winds gusts will uproot peanut plants and lobsters from the coasts and deliver them closer inland. The task force postulates this will become a more targeted way to prevent allergies with the help of Facebook and Google.  

President Trump states that if the weather doesn’t start working bigly, its fired. He is also waiting for the Beanie Baby market to resurge so he can pay off the national debt once and for all.