We literally can’t with finals (literally)

Gabriel Miller, Staff Writer

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     Many students are worried about final exams. They are putting in long hours studying, hoping for the sweet taste of victory over the dreaded foe of bitter failure.

     Then they can go home and enjoy the honor of a triumphant hero, celebrating with feasts and songs. They will remember these struggles and victories forevermore, reciting their tales to their grandchildren in verse. This is what finals are all about!

      Nonetheless, students still hold their noses to the grindstone, worrying to no end, drinking endless amounts of coffee.

     Local student David Wigglesworth states that he “literally can’t even” for final exams. He explains how he spends hours studying for his English and Algebra exams but isn’t sure if will pass.

     “I’ve tried to remember what makes numbers like one, three, five and seven different from two, four, six and eight and still don’t get it. On top of that, I’m still struggling to understand genre and writing styles. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Finals are next week. What am I going to do?!?”

     Amanda Forrester, a psychology major, explained how she was handling studying for finals:

     “I’ve had like one hour of sleep and three espressos. I’m literally going to going to die right now! My friend Stephen says I’m acting odd, but he’s not exactly helping me learn what prime numbers are!”

     Math tutor, Paul Berger, commented that he is having a difficult time. “When I’m helping a student with a problem I’ll ask, “Now what is y’s relationship to x?” And they’ll reply, “None, they broke up, remember? That’s what being an ex means. Duh.”

     Howard Lowry, a philosophy major, pondered “How can we have Finals, if we never had Initials?” Good point.

      Nursing majors were unavailable to comment.